Ever since computing began, programmers have attempted to use a computer to emulate the human personality. Initial attempts ranged from paltry to laughable, but as processing power and speed have increased, conversation emulators could be made well enough to fool some of the people some of the time. Yet the search for better emulation goes on.

Today the King suggested he and I write a program to emulate the "moody woman" side of a conversation. I replied that this was well within the realm of possibility due to the fact that moody woman responses are either 1.) completely aligned to a pre-determined path or 2.) completely random. These two attributes happen to dovetail beautifully with the two crippling aspects of artificial intelligence.

The Perturbed Misses Simulator (PMS) would follow these basic rules:

1. The program would archive each input received for use in later conversation. There is no limit to the the archive storage and once stored, the information would remain indefinitely. We call this techonology AYSCBUAY (Anything You Say Can Be Used Against You).
2. The program will ignore all off topic responses or questions and either return to its chosen topic or select from a list of "empathy statements" such as
   • Don’t you even care?
   • Why are you always so mean to me?
   • Can't you just listen to me for once?
   • I don’t even have any shoes to go with this dress
3. At any time during the conversation, the program may choose to change the subject of the conversation. This will completely abandon all previous discussion...until that subjects has been chosen once again. The topic database does contain a variety of interesting subjects, although selection is heavily weighted toward topics which directly reference the artificial personality, such as
   • Me
   • How Do I Feel Today
   • My Day
   • My Closet
   • My Friends that I’m Happy With
   • My Friends that I’m Not Happy With
   • Things that Really Bug Me
   • Do you think the walls should be this color?
4. When faced with an input to which a rational response cannot be generated, the program queries its "Insecurities Database" (very storage intensive). Sample data is as follows:
   • You don't love me
   • So what you are saying is that you think I’m fat.
   • My knees are ugly
5. Whenever the program's version is updated (no matter how minor), if the user does not immediately comment and compliment the update, the program will stop responding to any conversion for an indefinite amount of time

Once we finish this project, we also have plans for one more similar simulation. Of course, the Jock Emulation Responder 2K (JERK) is a considerably less complex program that consists of database holding sports scores (updated hourly) as well as a short list of pickup lines. The former is used for male interaction and the latter for female. All conversational input is simply ignored.