For those of you who are unfamiliar with Zork (or text-based adventure games in general), the mechanics of the game are quite simple: a scene is described in as much detail as necessary and the player is left at a prompt where he (or she ... ok probably just "he") must enter his desired course of action. Since these games were written in the 1970s and early 1980s, the command parser is very simple and the verbiage is quite limited. This leaves the novice game player to search for exactly the right word or phrase that will result in the desired action. Otherwise, the game displays its woeful ignorance (e.g. "I don't know the word 'punch'") while you are the one left feeling stupid.
In short, while Zork provides for nearly limitless possibilities of input, there are only a few key phrases that really get you anywhere. Consequently, while I was playing the game, I began to think of how this parallels my own life. Most specifically, how it parallels my dating life. Sometimes it seems that no matter what I do or say, the outcome has been predetermined and I can only make it worse. On those rare occasions when I do know what action is required, the dating interface thwarts my every attempt.
Here is a transcript of a typical date, as seen through the Zork interface:
You are standing on a porch west of a white house, with an open door. In the doorway stands a woman of extreme beauty.
Possible exits are: your car.
>Pick up jaw from floor
Taken.
>Give flowers to woman
You don't have that!
>Give compliment
I don't know the word "compliment".
>Make small talk
You used the word "talk" in a way that I don't understand.
>Go to car
At the Car
The lady seems confused by your lack of speech, but rightly interprets your move towards the car as a signal for her to follow. You are standing to the east of the car that, while clean, appears to have seen better days.
>Open door
The door cannot be opened.
>Kick car
Kicking the car has no effect.
>Open window
With great effort, you open the window far enough to allow entry.
You are seated to the south of a small table. Across from you sits a woman of extreme beauty. In front of you sits a plate filled with some manner of greenery and surrounded by curious instruments, many of whose uses remain a mystery.
The woman uses the four pronged instrument located on the far left of her plate to place some greenery in her mouth. She looks at you intently.
>Make conversation
I don't know the word "conversation".
>Tell a joke
I don't know the word "joke".
>Make eye contact
You can't do that.
>Eat greenery
Mimicking the lady's earlier action, you begin to eat your salad. This is more enjoyable than the preceding awkwardness, so you continue to eat until the food is almost gone.
There is one crouton left that refuses to stay on your fork. There is a bit of salad dressing on the crouton.
>Stab crouton with fork
You make a valiant swipe at the crouton, however its density is too much for your fork. Instead skewering the crouton, your stab has caused it to fly through the air and land on the woman of extreme beauty, leaving some salad dressing on the front of her dress in a rather unfortunate area.
>Pick up napkin
Don't even think about it, Bub.
>Apologize
I don't know the word "apologize".
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
