Grinching
Each day, the trip to the mailbox yields the same results: A few bills, a few credit card offers and a stack of sales catalogs. Some actually have wares we would actually purchase if we had the money, like clothing from Land's End. Some catalogs come because of a past purchase and one comes because I actually called up and requested it.
There is, of course, a story behind that one. A blogger who lives in a state where there were no IKEA stores requested a catalog and the company refused to send her one. She tried several approaches which all met in failure. Finally she asked me to request a catalog for her and then mail it to her. I obliged and she now has one IKEA catalog; and I think I have 8 or so, and continue to receive them. Maybe I should send them a change of address form – if I can find hers somewhere on my messy desk.
What is most inexplicable is the catalogs that come which sell products we have never and would never buy. Most of these are hawking knick-knacks and other items which sit on a shelf and do nothing. My inner being is diametrically opposed to voluntary use of such items. If I did not have the lovely Queen (May She Live Forever), the walls would be bare and the shelves and fireplace mantle would have no obstructions preventing a uniform coating of dust.
I'm doubly annoyed by those companies who profess a Christian theme, as if inscribing a verse on a product I would never normally buy will magically compel me to open my wallet. I believe in the power of God's word and am changed daily by my belief in Jesus. I just don't think we need to be marketing the heck out of Him.
Last week, we received a Christmas catalog full of holiday decorations and lots of reasonably priced crap which good consumers can purchase and then exchange with each other. I'm not real skilled or thrilled about the material practice of Christmas. Aside from our kids, we usually exchange food items with neighbors and friends in an attempt to avoid an increased debt load and the necessity of purchasing a storage unit to hold the accumulation of Christmas past.
For some reason, I started looking at the content of the catalog and I was pretty surprised that this company actually makes money selling this kind of stuff. What struck me most were the offerings in the section labeled Costumes. I am willing to concede that there may be some who have a legitimate need for a Santa or elf suit. The angel outfits would be handy for a Church Christmas pageant, like the one my wife and I are currently working on.
However, I was struck by the silliness of the other offerings. Maybe I'm just turning into a curmudgeon in my old age, but I just don't see the point in spending $10 for a ridiculous hat, wearing it once and the storing it in the attic until the following December. The Jack and I put our heads together and came up with the following images with insightful commentary for your enjoyment. The royal household takes no responsibilities for any nightmares caused by viewing the images below:
The Royal Gallery of Hideous Christmas Hats
Cotton Snowman Face Baseball Cap
This one is near the top because although it is rather silly, it is probably the least stupid headwear in the book. Growing up, I believed the purpose of baseball caps was to keep the sun out of baseball player's eyes. Older, wiser (and balder), I now understand that they are also useful for protecting the pate. I usually approve of quality caps with a team logo and John Deere hats are also acceptable, provided you live in the mid west and own a minimum of one (1) tractor. Cheap marketing gimmick hats are definitely a no-no. This hat makes me think of a baseball experiment gone wrong…the Santa Fe Snowmen, who were forced to forfeit all their games after melting during their first practice. Cute little girl though! Maybe that is why I am a bit soft on my critique of this item.
Elf Shoes and Hat Set
I do confess, in the right setting, on the right girl, these might actually be kind of cute. Just keep in mind that none of you are the right girl (especially if you are male) and chances are very great that the right setting will never be realized in your lifetime. If you truly believe it wise to invest $6.95 to be ready should you need these, my snarking here is not going to stop you. My opinion on lottery tickets: Buying lottery tickets is just like flushing a bunch of money down the toilet and then hoping that whole bunch more money will comes back up. My opinion on this product: lottery tickets would be a better investment.
Felt Red and White Swirl Stovepipe Hat
Notice that there is no model wearing this one. There is a good reason for that. Wearing this hat would make Carl Sagan look stupid, plus there isn't room in the coffin. If you think that the extra storage space this hat provides might cause some to believe you have more brains than the average bloke, think again. The extra space only finds use when someone sneaks up behind you, grabs the brim of the hat and abruptly relocates it from your crown to your clavicle. Is there anyone this hat is suitable for? Yes. Mischievous talking cats that walk upright and keep pet "things" in giant red crates. Otherwise, leave this one alone. Proverbs 17:28 states "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." That verse does not apply if you are wearing one of these hats. Silence is not going to help you – you will also need either a power failure or a room full of vision impaired people.
Felt Santa Hat with Braids
The last time I saw anything close to this hat was a few weeks back at the Texans game against the Minnesota Vikings. There were many Viking fans at the game and a disconcerting number of them, both male and female, were wearing a Viking helmet with horns and braids similar to these. I just assumed it was either a cultural thing although it is remotely possible that they were so confident of victory that they brought their own choir of fat ladies, some with bonus testosterone. Perhaps this would have been a better product 150 years ago. Girls could wear them to school and foil those naughty boys who liked to dip their braids into the inkwells. In this day and age, I'm having a difficult time thinking of anyone who would need, want or would even wear these, at least outside of the state of Minnesota.
Plush Reindeer Antlers
Annoy your friends and provide fodder for your sworn enemies - all for just a $1.08 (plus shipping and handling). But there is a catch…they only come in dozens. Yes, twelve, as in the number of days of Christmas. A number that is three higher than the number of known reindeer (Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph). The bulk nature of this item shows how popular they were last year. Actually, this would be a very cost-effective way of finding roles for the extra kids on our church Christmas pageant. Who can prove there weren't reindeer in the manger? "Watching their flocks (of reindeer) by night." Unfortunately, further research has uncovered the fact that reindeer only come in herds. Sigh. Oh, and if any gentlemen readers should encounter a female wearing this cranial ornament, I would advise against the compliment "Nice Rack!" It would also be best not to use the word "horny" within earshot (although "antlery" would be ok). This 'hat' would be much more interesting if the ladies got antlers with points commensurate to their beauty. I could just imagine guys talking about the seven point babe that got away.
Plush Deluxe Reindeer Antlers
I'm assuming that the glasses are not included. This item perfectly demonstrates a most incredible trend in American marketing. By adding the word 'Deluxe' to any product automatically allows the retailer to triple the price. Ignore the fact that this children's model is smaller and uses less material than the item ridiculed above. I'm half considering changing my blog to King of Fools Deluxe and then tripling what I pay people to read it.
Plush Springy Hat
A spring protruding from your head is a relatively good indicator that you have a screw loose. As is wearing this hat in public. I suppose it might appeal to those who would enjoy the attention of strangers as they bat the dingleberry back and forth. Other than the color, it is hard to see what this hat has to do with Christmas. Come on people…it's winter.
Cotton Holiday Characters Bucket Hats
Ladies! Tired of men always looking 10 inches below your eyes? Why not put a false head above your own with these Holiday Characters Bucket Hats? That just might confuse potential suitors long enough for them to make intermittent eye contact. They come in five delightful flavors: Drunken Elf, Goosed Santa, Cross-eyed Mrs. Claus, Unibrow Rudolph and Conehead Frosty.
Plush Light-Up Santa Hat
I believe that it is critical to understand the times you are living in. Case in point: when I was growing up, the word gay meant happy or carefree. I guess you could even say that I used to be gay. Of course, today the word has a radically different interpretation, and I stopped being it as soon as the meaning changed. In the past, Ho! was a perfectly acceptable holiday greeting. When Santa said "Ho! Ho! Ho!", he was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, not commenting on the performers at the VH1 people's choice rap music awards. Note that the message on this hat lights up, thanks to 'fiber optic lights' and a battery (which actually is included). The only question this leaves is that if you are a female, is this really the message you want to broadcast across your forehead, in lights no less? And if the power should go out, remember exactly what you will be attracting, just like moths to a flame.
Plush Big Daddy Santa Hat
While the distasteful connotation of the former item might be considered a mere coincidence, that is truly not the case with this item. The occupation of "Big Daddy Santa" leaves little to the imagination. It is no surprise that the hat is characterized as 'plush'. As this image is the polar opposite of the spirit of the gentle and giving St. Nicholas, the only reasonable interpretation of this particular item is as symbolism. But symbolizing what? No clue. Perhaps the pimping of cheap imported wares to a materialistic populace and attempting to drown out the true meaning behind the celebration of the season with the sound of cash registers? No, we all know they did not mean anything like that. (Discount applies with purchase of "ho ho ho" hat.)
Knit Shaggy Caps with Stripe
Nothing says "I wish my head was a football" like the cross stitching on this hat. And who better to model it than the company owner's down-on-his-luck nephew? However, this hat has got to be one for the ages just by virtue of defying everything that hats normally stand for. While most hats are designed to make you look better, this one makes you look like an ethnically diverse conehead. While most hats are designed to hide messy hair, this one has simulated messy hair on top. The contrasts with all that is good and hat-like are obvious and abundant. Oh, and multiple hideous color schemes are available:
Plush Jester Santa Hat
I just heard that the King was going to purchase this delightful number for yours truly (The Jack). Not being one to overtly speak ill of a gift, I shall pose the standard rhetorical-sounding questions we hear every Christmas. (See if you can figure out the real answer to these.)
Polar Fleece Christmas Tree Hat
"That's the dumbest hat I've ever seen!" would be the compliment you'd most likely receive while under this evergreen fashion statement. But don't be too quick to relegate it to the cardboard box in the attic labeled "Christmas '82" just yet. This hat would make a wonderful skiing hat for three reasons:
Christmas Tree Hat with Presents
Nothing can put you into the holiday mood more than walking around with a Christmas tree on your head. But consider the following before donning this evergreen cacophony, the angel goes on the top of the tree, not the bottom. So what would that make you? Stumped? Actually, we believe there is a typo on this particular item. It was supposed to be "Christmas Tree Hat with Presence". Believe you me, no one will not notice when you walk into a room wearing one of these. Just remember to duck when passing through the doorway.
Felt Musical Light-Up Santa Antler Cap
We saved the best for last. From a purely cash viewpoint, this is the best deal in the whole catalog because it provides the combined annoyance of several different hats along with two bonus features (lights and accompaniment) for just one low price. It is the Leatherman™ of the Holiday Hat industry. According to the catalog, the hat plays "a medley of holiday tunes" and the antlers light up. Why did they make the antlers light up? Because they could. I cannot conceive of any other answer which obeys the constraints of logic. I do not believe it was because they felt it would increase consumer appeal toward this item. And what is with merging the plush red and white of St. Nick's headwear with the antlers of the most famous reindeer of them all? This combination of Rudolf and Santa jarringly remind us of the abomination of Tashlan as read in the final book in The Chronicles of Narnia.
This one is near the top because although it is rather silly, it is probably the least stupid headwear in the book. Growing up, I believed the purpose of baseball caps was to keep the sun out of baseball player's eyes. Older, wiser (and balder), I now understand that they are also useful for protecting the pate. I usually approve of quality caps with a team logo and John Deere hats are also acceptable, provided you live in the mid west and own a minimum of one (1) tractor. Cheap marketing gimmick hats are definitely a no-no. This hat makes me think of a baseball experiment gone wrong…the Santa Fe Snowmen, who were forced to forfeit all their games after melting during their first practice. Cute little girl though! Maybe that is why I am a bit soft on my critique of this item.
I do confess, in the right setting, on the right girl, these might actually be kind of cute. Just keep in mind that none of you are the right girl (especially if you are male) and chances are very great that the right setting will never be realized in your lifetime. If you truly believe it wise to invest $6.95 to be ready should you need these, my snarking here is not going to stop you. My opinion on lottery tickets: Buying lottery tickets is just like flushing a bunch of money down the toilet and then hoping that whole bunch more money will comes back up. My opinion on this product: lottery tickets would be a better investment.
Notice that there is no model wearing this one. There is a good reason for that. Wearing this hat would make Carl Sagan look stupid, plus there isn't room in the coffin. If you think that the extra storage space this hat provides might cause some to believe you have more brains than the average bloke, think again. The extra space only finds use when someone sneaks up behind you, grabs the brim of the hat and abruptly relocates it from your crown to your clavicle. Is there anyone this hat is suitable for? Yes. Mischievous talking cats that walk upright and keep pet "things" in giant red crates. Otherwise, leave this one alone. Proverbs 17:28 states "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." That verse does not apply if you are wearing one of these hats. Silence is not going to help you – you will also need either a power failure or a room full of vision impaired people.
The last time I saw anything close to this hat was a few weeks back at the Texans game against the Minnesota Vikings. There were many Viking fans at the game and a disconcerting number of them, both male and female, were wearing a Viking helmet with horns and braids similar to these. I just assumed it was either a cultural thing although it is remotely possible that they were so confident of victory that they brought their own choir of fat ladies, some with bonus testosterone. Perhaps this would have been a better product 150 years ago. Girls could wear them to school and foil those naughty boys who liked to dip their braids into the inkwells. In this day and age, I'm having a difficult time thinking of anyone who would need, want or would even wear these, at least outside of the state of Minnesota.
Annoy your friends and provide fodder for your sworn enemies - all for just a $1.08 (plus shipping and handling). But there is a catch…they only come in dozens. Yes, twelve, as in the number of days of Christmas. A number that is three higher than the number of known reindeer (Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph). The bulk nature of this item shows how popular they were last year. Actually, this would be a very cost-effective way of finding roles for the extra kids on our church Christmas pageant. Who can prove there weren't reindeer in the manger? "Watching their flocks (of reindeer) by night." Unfortunately, further research has uncovered the fact that reindeer only come in herds. Sigh. Oh, and if any gentlemen readers should encounter a female wearing this cranial ornament, I would advise against the compliment "Nice Rack!" It would also be best not to use the word "horny" within earshot (although "antlery" would be ok). This 'hat' would be much more interesting if the ladies got antlers with points commensurate to their beauty. I could just imagine guys talking about the seven point babe that got away.
I'm assuming that the glasses are not included. This item perfectly demonstrates a most incredible trend in American marketing. By adding the word 'Deluxe' to any product automatically allows the retailer to triple the price. Ignore the fact that this children's model is smaller and uses less material than the item ridiculed above. I'm half considering changing my blog to King of Fools Deluxe and then tripling what I pay people to read it.
A spring protruding from your head is a relatively good indicator that you have a screw loose. As is wearing this hat in public. I suppose it might appeal to those who would enjoy the attention of strangers as they bat the dingleberry back and forth. Other than the color, it is hard to see what this hat has to do with Christmas. Come on people…it's winter.
Ladies! Tired of men always looking 10 inches below your eyes? Why not put a false head above your own with these Holiday Characters Bucket Hats? That just might confuse potential suitors long enough for them to make intermittent eye contact. They come in five delightful flavors: Drunken Elf, Goosed Santa, Cross-eyed Mrs. Claus, Unibrow Rudolph and Conehead Frosty.
I believe that it is critical to understand the times you are living in. Case in point: when I was growing up, the word gay meant happy or carefree. I guess you could even say that I used to be gay. Of course, today the word has a radically different interpretation, and I stopped being it as soon as the meaning changed. In the past, Ho! was a perfectly acceptable holiday greeting. When Santa said "Ho! Ho! Ho!", he was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, not commenting on the performers at the VH1 people's choice rap music awards. Note that the message on this hat lights up, thanks to 'fiber optic lights' and a battery (which actually is included). The only question this leaves is that if you are a female, is this really the message you want to broadcast across your forehead, in lights no less? And if the power should go out, remember exactly what you will be attracting, just like moths to a flame.
While the distasteful connotation of the former item might be considered a mere coincidence, that is truly not the case with this item. The occupation of "Big Daddy Santa" leaves little to the imagination. It is no surprise that the hat is characterized as 'plush'. As this image is the polar opposite of the spirit of the gentle and giving St. Nicholas, the only reasonable interpretation of this particular item is as symbolism. But symbolizing what? No clue. Perhaps the pimping of cheap imported wares to a materialistic populace and attempting to drown out the true meaning behind the celebration of the season with the sound of cash registers? No, we all know they did not mean anything like that. (Discount applies with purchase of "ho ho ho" hat.)
Nothing says "I wish my head was a football" like the cross stitching on this hat. And who better to model it than the company owner's down-on-his-luck nephew? However, this hat has got to be one for the ages just by virtue of defying everything that hats normally stand for. While most hats are designed to make you look better, this one makes you look like an ethnically diverse conehead. While most hats are designed to hide messy hair, this one has simulated messy hair on top. The contrasts with all that is good and hat-like are obvious and abundant. Oh, and multiple hideous color schemes are available:
I just heard that the King was going to purchase this delightful number for yours truly (The Jack). Not being one to overtly speak ill of a gift, I shall pose the standard rhetorical-sounding questions we hear every Christmas. (See if you can figure out the real answer to these.)
- Isn't this the cutest thing ever?
- Boy, you sure put a lot of thought into this, didn't you?
- Doesn't this look great on me?
"That's the dumbest hat I've ever seen!" would be the compliment you'd most likely receive while under this evergreen fashion statement. But don't be too quick to relegate it to the cardboard box in the attic labeled "Christmas '82" just yet. This hat would make a wonderful skiing hat for three reasons:
- It's warm.
- I've seen worse on the slopes.
- No one wants to ski into a tree.
Nothing can put you into the holiday mood more than walking around with a Christmas tree on your head. But consider the following before donning this evergreen cacophony, the angel goes on the top of the tree, not the bottom. So what would that make you? Stumped? Actually, we believe there is a typo on this particular item. It was supposed to be "Christmas Tree Hat with Presence". Believe you me, no one will not notice when you walk into a room wearing one of these. Just remember to duck when passing through the doorway.
We saved the best for last. From a purely cash viewpoint, this is the best deal in the whole catalog because it provides the combined annoyance of several different hats along with two bonus features (lights and accompaniment) for just one low price. It is the Leatherman™ of the Holiday Hat industry. According to the catalog, the hat plays "a medley of holiday tunes" and the antlers light up. Why did they make the antlers light up? Because they could. I cannot conceive of any other answer which obeys the constraints of logic. I do not believe it was because they felt it would increase consumer appeal toward this item. And what is with merging the plush red and white of St. Nick's headwear with the antlers of the most famous reindeer of them all? This combination of Rudolf and Santa jarringly remind us of the abomination of Tashlan as read in the final book in The Chronicles of Narnia.
Comments
With all the spam lawsuits, I wonder why nobody has ever filed a lawsuit for unsolicited postal mail. Every day I go through my mail and separate the spam from the bills.
Posted by: political - 01:38 PM - 11/12/2004
political,
It’s been tried. But because the unsolicited snail mail’s primary cost is paid for by the sender it’s given a lot more latitude. Spam’s primary cost is paid by the person getting the spam.
Posted by: ShortDaddy - 04:09 PM - 11/12/2004
My eyes! My eyes! AAIEEEE!
Posted by: Scott Kirwin - 11:09 AM - 11/15/2004
HAHAHA! Thank you so much for this-I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. 
Posted by: - 08:14 PM - 11/15/2004
Giggle giggle!
Great, laughter, your descriptions!
LALALALALALA!!!1
Posted by: - 11:06 AM - 11/16/2004
It was lil’ Lucy...could not get the catalog that started this,
YOU TWO.....I loves ya all, & families your families too! Ask her about the blue tootpaste she used when she was in a hurry!!!!
Funny, Giggle giggle!
Posted by: - 11:09 AM - 11/16/2004
Oh, that was good. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Bill Wallo - 06:09 AM - 11/18/2004
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