Author's note: It is my nature to deal with trying situations by attempting to find or inject some sort of humor. While the following post may be sarcastic to a large degree, it is my intent that my true character will shine through. So if you, my astute reader, find that underneath the feigned coldness and bitterness I am truly a caring, sensitive individual...I will have completely failed at my task.

Announcement: The Jack is no longer part of a pair and has moved even further from a full house. For those of you who are having trouble figuring out what I'm saying (and to fulfill the requirements of my moniker) let me spell it out for you. My girlfriend and I have parted ways.

Apparently, I have not been communicating enough. I guess that would explain my lack of posts as of late. (As of EVER!)

Having so recently escaped the bonds of relationship, I soon expect to be experiencing some type of emotion or feeling relating to the situation. (Question: Is "freedom!" an emotion?) Until then, I can revel in the fact that I won't have to answer these questions at any point in the near future:

1. So, what are you thinking about?

   This question actually dates back to the Spanish Inquisition, where an unacceptable answer proved to have less severe consequences than it does today. Given the long history of the question, someone has GOT to have figured out a correct answer. All I know is that 1.) I haven't figured it out and 2.) it does not involve the truth.

   At any given point in the day, I am usually thinking about one or more of the following: A Simpson's episode, the Kansas City Chiefs, and how to write a password encryption system using only a 16 bit cyclic redundancy check. While at a restaurant (the typical venue for such a query) a few more thoughts are added to the mix, namely: "What should I order?" and the waitress that just walked by.

   As have probably guessed, any of these answers result in instant death. (If you didn't guess that, then we're in the same boat because I've tried all of them, save the last.) I believe a more clear phrasing of this question would be "Tell me I'm beautiful or die meathead!"

2. Do you think I'm high maintenance?

   You can get around this one with a simple redefinition of terms: "High maintenance? You mean like one of those girls that makes you figure every thing out without giving any clues? Not at all, babe! You always let me know how you're feeling, what kind of restaurant you want to eat at, what kinds of things you don't like, what you did every single freaking minute of the day…" Of course, you should probably quit while you're ahead…or at least on par.

3. Aren't you excited about [doing some stupid activity]?

   As if my face hasn't already given it away. Now you're going to make me say it out loud?

4. Did you miss me?

   Oops! You're in trouble when you get this one because, guess what Romeo, you should've already told her. The bonus for this one is that you can always answer in the affirmative while still telling the truth. You just have to be creative I mean, come on, I miss potholes and oncoming traffic (usually) when I'm driving. Try this: "Of course I missed you! (mumble to yourself: "when I backed out of the driveway heh heh") But be careful, or you'll end up squarely in front of the dreaded:

5. Why are you laughing?

   Instead of answering this one, you might want to say your prayers because you're a goner. Any pause, flinch, smirk, eye twitch or phrase that begins with "Umm" and she already has her answer. And no, it is not a good or even acceptable answer. You might be able to redirect, but be careful where to: "Oh! I was just remembering a blog about dating that I read." "Oh fun! Can I read it?"

Clearly, without these questions hanging over my head, the stress level in my life has decreased immensely and I am left with only one remaining question: What should I do with the chocolates I bought her before I got "the news?"

(A note to the Ex of the Obvious: I wasn't thinking specifically about you when I wrote this…I was thinking about…umm...The Simpsons.)