Is that tan in a can? Why does he look so orange? Is it the effect of too much ketchup?

He would be better off in a comfortably cool environment like Baskin-Robbins. Maybe the third debate should be held there, among the thirty-one. The moderator could be Jared, the formerly fat Subway pitchman or Jerry from Ben & Jerry's Ice cream.

Each candidate would have to choose only one flavor for a one scoop cone and be able to explain their choice. Bush would probably pick rocky-road ice cream but demand a miniature Texas Rangers helmet for a bowl.

After a long deliberation, John Kerry's choice would ultimately have to be French Vanilla...on a waffle cone.